limits and boundaries

By some coincidence lately I am finding lots of essays on self-esteem issues that are written by other people but which echo sentiments I hold and believe myself. I'd like to share another piece on loving yourself, originally written by Susan D.
~R

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When I first owned Gibraltar, I often braided his mane while he was loose in his stall. He would often step sideways, and having been the victim of squashed feet many times as a child from my Appaloosa mare, I would quickly step out of the way. He'd wait a bit, and then step into my space again, while I quickly removed my feet from harm's way. It took me nearly a year to realize that he had me in training, stepping into my space to move me out of his space. And like so many women who find themselves lost or compromised, I had willingly given up my space, released my boundary, and allowed a small but significant victory of dominance out of what...respect? A desire not to have my feet stepped on? Laziness? A deep set belief that my boundaries are second to everything/everyone else?

Later, I met Joel, my husband and love and life partner. He asked me questions about me! He really dug in deep, into uncomfortable territory. He pointed out that I had all sorts of walls, designed to keep people out. And yet, he also pointed out that I willingly bent like a willow to the will of others, really rather regardless of what was being asked of me. Saying no was very difficult. Through Joel's patient tutelage, I learned a lot. I really had very few recognizable boundaries, and wasn't able to articulate them to others. Consequently, people crossed them all the time, not knowing that they existed.

Why am I talking about boundaries tonight? Because one more of my dearly treasured friends finds herself in a place where she has yielded so much to the demands of others, has given away her boundaries to such an extent, that she has lost herself, lost her confidence, her strength, her inner beauty. It's still there, mind you, she glows with a strength and beauty that she no longer sees or recognizes. And worse yet, she is a beacon to abusive people...they seem to feel the vibration of the compromised soul and hone right in on them.
I remember those days. If someone would have asked me if I had boundaries, I would have said yes. If someone asked me if I were giving up my source of strength to the strength of another, I would have adamantly denied it. The human being has unlimited ability to deny the truth and create a perceived reality instead.

Do you know the analogy of the frog in the pot of boiling water? It's said that if you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump out. If you place a frog in a pot of room temperature water and then slowly heat it, that he will sit there and cook to death. That's how it is in bad relationships - friendships, romantic relationships, business relationships - it doesn't matter. Abuse comes on slowly. And the minute you back up to avoid getting your toes squashed or some other unpleasant situation, you give just this once, then you open the door, you agree to sit in the slowly heating pot of water.

I'm not saying there's not room for compromise. That's different. That's holding to your boundaries, articulating them, giving and taking until you reach a solution that if not perfect, is better in its whole than either side could achieve alone.

To each and every woman who reads this, you are a treasure, something to be loved and cherished. And it starts with you - not just saying the words, but by honoring that small voice within you that tells you what feels right, what doesn't. When you squash the voice, you lose yourself. When your mind is allowed to justify and chatter over the top of the small voice, you have said you give no value to the gift that is yourself, you muffle the voice of your soul, you cheat your own beautiful destiny and your right to fulfill your own desires and needs to be loved and complete. All this can happen, one tiny step backward at a time. Find your boundaries, hear the voice inside, and assert yourself. You are the only one that can truly make you happy.
If you are hurting and giving away your own self to the demands of others, I tell you that I love you, I believe in you, I see the beautiful being inside. Let her back out and let her start living again.

election day 2010

I just got home from voting. I was #458 in my precinct. No, I'm not here to tell you about the people for whom I voted. One thing I like about living outside the city limits is that I can go to the polling location after 6pm and it still didn't take me more than five minutes to make it through the line and get down to the business of filling out my ballot.

Speaking of going through the line, one of the poll volunteers recognized my last name and said she lived next door to someone with that same last name when she was a little girl. Since there are precious few of us, I queried her further after the ballot machine had sucked up my votes. The woman's name was Ann and she had a son or grandson named Gary. "Sounds like my Dad's cousin," I said. The woman lived on Kingston, and back then her last name was Van Kalker. I thought she was talking about my grandma Ann, but after telling Mom all the info it turns out this woman lived next door to my great-grandma Anna.

It's a small world, after all...