In less than a month I will be turning 30. People who don't know me very well (and I suppose even some people who do know me!) are surprised when they find out this fact. I am told that I look more like 21 or 22 than 30, and I take this as a compliment; when I'm 50, 60, 70 I hope the trend continues.
I don't feel nearly-30.
Mentally anyway. Physically, I've come to realize that my body doesn't work quite the same way anymore. If I sit cross-legged for a while my legs are a little stiff (which is a shame because that's one of my favorite positions for sitting), it's harder to get up when sitting on the floor, and I have to stretch before doing an activity like riding lest I pull a muscle.
I've also quit expecting my body to look like something it's not. I am not a 15-year-old cheerleader and I should not expect myself to look like one... not without working out several hours a week and perhaps some plastic surgery. Heck, even when I was 15 I didn't have that body! Letting my subscription to Cosmo expire a few years ago has helped with my body image tremendously. The majority of the people in the world do not look like that, and every page is airbrushed and computer-altered. And besides, supermodels and movie stars have plenty of time to do nothing but work out and make sure they look smokin' hot. They also have small armies comprised of personal trainers, chefs, stylists, managers, etc. Meanwhile, in the real world, we real people have real life stuff to worry about, like jobs and bills and families and trying to have hobbies and social lives.
But mentally, I do not feel nearly-30. In one of the final episodes of ER, Dr. Corday tells Dr. Rasgotra during an interview that moving to another hospital would be good for her career. The other doctors at County are always going to see her as "little Neela" and will not take her seriously as a surgeon the same way that doctors at another hospital would, because they had not seen her "grow up" from a first-year intern. I wonder if that's the same concept that applies to me. I've lived in the same town my whole life, and many of the people I know today have known me since I was younger (some of them much younger). Will I always be frozen in time at a younger age to them, no matter how old I get? More importantly, will they always be "my elders", or will I ever be able to see them as fellow adults, as peers? I struggle with that, even with some people who are only a few years older than I am. (If I moved away and started over, like Neela did, would things be different? That's a moot point, though, since it's not going to happen. Home is home for me, the roots are deep.)
A week ago I was home by myself and spent part of the evening flipping back and forth between a James Bond movie and a rerun of TLC's What Not To Wear. The "victim" of WNTW was Dottie, a 34-year-old realtor and mother of one. (OK, so I'm not a mom, unless the cats count as kids, but just run with me here.) While I admit (I hope? I hope!) that my style is not as bad as hers (the only time I ever go anywhere in pajamas is when I'm sick and going to the doctor's office, and I don't own any skintight polyester unitards or anything that could be called a "sex outfit"), I do wear casual outfits to work every day. Jeans are the norm for me, as are sweatshirts and t-shirts, sneakers and flat sandals. Granted, I work at a casual place (my boss wears jeans every day too), but I still wouldn't want Stacy and Clinton critiquing my wardrobe.
And now, it has started to sink in: In less than a month I will be turning 30. I will be turning 30.
Until recently, 30 wasn't a big deal to me. But now at times I'm just a teensy bit freaked out. I'm supposed to be an adult, a for-real adult, but I don't exactly feel like one and I hope no one notices that at times I'm faking it.
No comments:
Post a Comment